Sunday, January 15, 2012

let me be amazing at you

I had written a completely different post, but deleted the entire thing because I somehow ended up on my old blog reading about our year last year. Oh.My.Gosh. We had a hard year. I actually  had to stop reading my blog because I was starting to feel anxious again ha!

It made me grateful to be starting a new year, with a fresh start. You know, things rarely end up the way we think they will and for me, that gets hard to accept sometimes. I spent the entire past year wondering why I felt like we should move here--felt like everything bad that happened was somehow connected to us being in South Carolina. I felt so mad at myself.

But now, I see that the anger is pointless. Sometimes, life is just rough. We all have years that we want to fast foward, and we all have moments that we swear will break our spirits. I have been through some of those moments this year. It has been very hard. I am finally feeling like I can really talk about how deeply these hardships affected me. I feel a bit bruised and battered. I wish I could say that I have been incredibly inspiring in my reactions to some of our trials this year, but mostly I was just trying to survive. I didn't have time to think about being amazing. :)

When the new year started, I thought I needed to get myself back to the person that I was before all of these hard things. I want to be that nerd that thought that spray painting was the answer to the worlds problems. I wanted to be the girl who didn't think twice about putting all sorts of personal stuff on her blog, because she believed in the goodness of people and felt like honesty was the same as transparency in your personal life.

And honestly, of course you've realized this before me, it just isn't possible to get that girl back. I shouldn't even wish for it, because I have learned some valuable lessons. I've learned that I need to self-edit a bit more (still painfully learning this one actually). I've learned that just because bad things are happening to me, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person--it doesn't mean I'm being punished for something. I've learned that sometimes you have to be happy with just enough. In fact, you should always be glad for just enough, because just enough means that it isn't too little. I've learned that as much as I wished that I was spectacularly good at something, I am just pretty good and a bunch of little things-- and it's okay that they aren't even very fancy things. It's okay that I'm not great at photography, I am pretty good at loving people. It's okay that I'm not a professional decorator, because I am pretty good at making Maddy's favorite sandwich. I'm over-emotional, bossy, irreverent, eager to please, chubby, impatient, and  I love to be right. I have to work on those. But there are good things too, and I can work on those just as lovingly.

I thank God that I have another year to become another girl by this time next year. I hope this year I will spend a bit less of it surviving and have more time for contemplating (as Tiny Fey said it) "being amazing at you."

8 comments:

Tooele Brezoff said...

Jen I love this! You are amazing to me!

luvnmy10 said...

You are amazing me constantly with all you do, extremely better than I do at most of those things, by the way. I, for one, am sooo grateful you moved east, I get to see you and your little ones from time to time, plus you are a days drive from your mom, a great benefit for you both. Here's to the girl you are becoming, aren't we all just in the act of becoming the best version of our self? Unfortunately it is the stretching we are required to do during trials that makes us stronger. I love the "old" you, but look forward to seeing the new you as time progresses! And for the record, I am an open book with my feelings-everyone knows what I am thinking and feeling, just can't hide it! Maybe you and I got it in the genes! Love you Jennifer, I really, really do.

Tricia said...

You are awesome - and I think that you are amazing at lots of things! And you know how I feel about your kids..... :-)

Kelly said...

I wish that with talents like yours I could be as humble as you are about them! You are amazing at picture taking. Decorating, I only wish I could do it so well! And making your blog fun, well I don't have very many readers so you obviously are doing something right! lol. I think you are still the old Jennifer of thinking that spray paint is the answer to all, you just have had to add a child, a move, and new jobs to the mix. I am excited to see what this year has to bring to you! And you know that you are amazing, you just don't hear it enough from people! I will try and remind you on a weekly basis! And if some of your self editing has to be because of people, than I am thinking those are the sort of friends that aren't really true friends, and should see the door like last year!

Anne said...

Hey to me you are pretty amazing at decorating and photography. Wish you could give me some ideas on my house.

Emily Foley said...

You really did have a rough year. But also, you completely redid your house for like $3, so, score.

2010 was a year like that for my mom. Breast cancer, a mastectomy, two knee replacements, C-Diff and 6 weeks in the hospital (and 40 pounds later) she was ready to say good riddance to the hospital and 2010 forever, and possibly her life. She was so sick and miserable. 2011 was much better for her. So now it's your turn. Your 2011 sucked, so by the laws of Emily it has to be better in 2012.

Melanie and Jared said...

Next year has to be better, right? You put in your time and now it's your turn for a good year!

Jayme said...

Girl, I just discovered your blog this minute. I cliked to it from Jillee's blog because it's called Pretend Fancy and that's right up my ally! Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your difficult year and I hope this one's better for you. I've had some trials myself over the past few years and things are looking up now. All the best to you, you amazing woman!