Wednesday, March 6, 2013

off kilter but settling

I hope my last post was not off-putting. I hope it didn't come across as sanctimonious or like I am the queen of knowing how to be happy. No no, au contraire, the fact is that I am the queen of trying to figure out how to be happIER. and the good news is that my friend is feeling on the road to better. she's such a good person, my friend. I am her number one cheerleader. I have so many great friends, I am lucky.

now, on to random things as usual. do you ever just have days that seem off somehow? not bad, just... weird? I had one of those today, it was a good weird though. we found out that Mads got into a good charter school unexpectedly (it was a lottery) and I was completely surprised and thrilled and it threw my whole self into a spin. all of the sudden our house search split open wide and it this was both terribly exciting and terribly scary. I had finally narrowed things down just in time for the new school to open them back up. here we go, back on page one, blank pages in front of us again waiting to be written. i'm okay with that. i just need to settle the heck down and get to the work of weeding through things again. settle down sister savage.

I went to the cardiologist this afternoon. it's been two years since I went last, which is bad on my part because I am supposed to go every year, but last year we were swamped with medical bills and scarcity of insurance. this year I am happy to sing a different tune. oh dear darling insurance how i love you! even if i have to pay a million dollars for you, i still appreciate you and your FSA goodness so very much. all of the sudden life seems safer and sounder with you around.

so anyway, i met my new local cardiologist and he was very nice and seemed very knowledgeable. both of which are qualities i appreciate when it comes to people dealing with my heart.

i have to go back in for the official echo cardiogram in a few weeks, and those always remind me of 1. when i was diagnosed with mitral stenosis 2. my grandpa 3. being in the hospital with pulmonary edema twice (horrible terrible no good very bad) and 4. how far i have come since those early days of learning how my little broken heart would affect the future of me and my family. it's weird for me to act cheerful while in a cardiologist's office because inside i still feel a little bit vulnerable and scarred. but overall, i feel like this too shall pass. he asked about whether we were having more kids and when i said that we were advised strongly against it he was very relieved. ah the relief that still manages to sting me!
i can't even remember when he was such a tiny bundle of squishy

but i feel much much stronger than i did two years ago. that's a whole post in itself. but today i am content to merely glance at this topic and move on. it's a chapter that i have to keep re-reading (maybe for the rest of my life?), but it's becoming less of a chapter of sorrow and more of a chapter of understanding and acceptance. God writes so many chapters in our books for us, and it's up to us whether we want to love them or turn our backs on the them. I want to love this one because it is the same one that gave me my mission to central america and my two babies--some of the most delightful parts yet. the best books always have the bitter and sweet mixed up together, don't you think?

so today was threw me off a little, but i'll get back on the line again. i just need to settle.


8 comments:

Kurt & Rachel Keyser said...

Not that you can't have a perfectly amazing life with your two beautiful children, but just curious if you ever thought about adopting? Since Logan took so long to join our family we did some research into it...

Also, cardiologists freak me out too. Way too many heart problems run in my family. :(

luvnmy10 said...

I love your heart. I love your kiddos. I especially love both these pictures of them. I need to look at a newborn picture of John so I can remember... I will just say remembering that stage, so fresh from Heavenly Father, helps me be a bit more patient. :)

Melanie and Jared said...

It’s like in the great stories, The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

Carrie said...

Glad to hear that you found a cardiologist. You seem to be learning quicker than I did that like all good stories, our lives are filled with the good, the bad and the ugly, but that there is light and goodness within those chapters. It took me some time to come to accept that my dark times were necessary and part of a bigger plan of happiness for me. Nicely said.

liz said...

I love you and your thoughts. I know I don't comment much, but I am a faithful reader. ;) After my last pregnancy we decided we probably won't have any more kids. It's a very weird feeling. I squeeze my not so little baby and sometimes cry at camera commercial when parents are taking photos of their newborns in the hospital. Ill stop being sappy. Anyways love you and congrats on insurance, cardiologists, and charter schools!

maugers said...

I'm so glad that you feel stronger, what a great feeling. And I liked your DIY happiness post, I agree :) Very exciting about Maddy too, what great opportunities that opens up! If she goes, will Grant automatically get in? Hope all is well, love you!

Kelly said...

I like feeling your feelings through your words! You just are so wonderfully talented! I cried seeing that picture of granty as a baby!! My heart breaks with yours, I just love you soo much and I am so glad you are still here! I love you!!!!

Emily Foley said...

I have this picture of me, my dad, and your grandpa one day when we lived in Maryland--we were celebrating our March birthdays all together. I'm the hugest nerd ever but I'll have to send it to you. It was 1991 so it was my 11th birthday and Odell's 55th and my dad's 50th. It was a nice day.

I'm sorry about your heart. I really am.