Sunday, September 14, 2014

the meltdown that may end up saving me

Holy toledo, I'm back.




Hi.

Do you want the usual explanations for being absent? Life got crazy, I ran into someone's mailbox with the back of my minivan, I was in charge of a bunch of church gatherings, I drove all over kingdom come for carpool, Dr. Who wasn't going to watch himself, I'm writing a book (maybe), I put my kids into the same bedroom. Boring. SO So boring.

The fact of the matter is that all of those things did happen, and I was barely keeping my head above water. And today, when I was getting my kids ready for church and Grant yelled at me to leave him alone for the tenth time that day (because he only loves John on the weekends and he's trying to break my heart into five million little tiny pieces), I pushed everyone out of my room (because obviously they were all watching youtube videos on my computer) and had a good long cry. I cried and I prayed, and I realized that my life needs some balance. I need the time to sit back and process what is going on. I need the white space and the room the breathe. Things were going too fast, too hard, too long. And once I had finally had the melt-down that has been coming (on and off, with mini-crying sessions in between) for over a year, I finally quieted my mind enough to realize that no one could do the re-arranging and changing for me. Church and life and mothering would run me into the ground without a squeak if I didn't do it for myself.

So I made some changes, talked to some people, and I am already starting to the feel the weight lift off of me. It feels bad and guilt-inducing and failure-ish to say no.

 but it also feels to the moon and back again GOOD.

I can't promise that I'll be back all that often. But I sort of hope that I do. Because when I'm blogging, that also usually means that I'm thinking and processing. Which also means that I am in a very healthy place. A place where I trust the wide world enough to send out my silly little missives about mothering and wifeing and eating bagels. And if the world needs more of anything, it's of chubby mothers eating bagels loud and proud.

are you still with me, my dear, patient friends?

6 comments:

Bryan said...

Still here, always will be :-)

Missy said...

Love you, Jen! You will figure it out.

Katie Browning said...

Love this so much! Not that this happened to you but that you had the courage to do something about it! That is incredibly brave. I adore you and love your blog posts. PS. That last sentence is my absolute favorite of all time.

luvnmy10 said...

Just waiting patiently :).

Dee in BC said...

I sure am.

Emily Foley said...

I feel like I have those kind of meltdowns a lot, not just once a year. :)

there is too much for mamas to do. I hope you figured out what works for you and that you will share it because there is always too much for me and I feel like I might explode at any given moment. :) After our day yestserday I told Dave there was no possible physical way I could have done that day with a baby unless the baby never needed to eat or sleep or be changed or interacted with in any way, so once this baby comes some things are going to have to change. I'm hoping that means I won't be working anymore. We'll see...