Monday, April 27, 2015

sharing too much and not able to stop myself

Let me just start by stating what will become obvious (so you can run away and hide if you need to), but today was a rough rough day.

I've been thinking and praying and worrying and crying for my college roommate who is also one of my closest and most enduring friends. Last night I heard the news that her brother--who is literally one of the kindest people I have ever met and I didn't even know him as well as many others did--was in a tragic accident while out jogging. Today, despite the prayers for a miracle on his behalf, he passed away.

It has me undone. My dear sweet friend is very close to all of her family members, but I always especially admired the love this brother had for her. It was very sweet and protective and he loved to tease her goodnaturedly. It seems impossible to me that he is gone and leaves a wife and family behind. It doesn't seem like something that happens to someone you know. My heart is so heavy it is aching for my friend. I feel moorless, unable to fathom what to say to her. She is in North Carolina, but three hours away, among her family, now faced with having to help plan a funeral for a brother that is only a few years older than her. It's so heavy.

All I kept hearing was the poem from the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. The most agonizing and sorrowful and gut wrenchingly real poem at expressing that grief I've ever heard. It's too raw to post here, but maybe you know which one I mean. The pain, the grief-- the poem expresses those, but it ends bleakly, without hope. And the one thing I know about my friend is that she is firm in knowing that there is hope. She is the friend that served a church mission in the snowy, dark towns of Alaska while hundreds of miles away I walked the dusty hot roads in Honduras. And we wrote each other and lifted each other told each other not to give up. And all that we talked about, and preached about and taught to anyone that would let us in their doorways was really just about Hope. The Hope of Days. The Good News. The only thing worth really knowing and holding and protecting with our entire hearts. Hope. Hope in Him.

But even still.

Still.

Though I tried with all of my might to go about my regular routines today, I felt sluggish and worn out and to-the-bone-tired. I couldn't get the sadness off of me, and I fought it. I went through the motions. I sat down and forced myself to write on the book. It was stilted and frustrating and agonizingly pointless. I should have just given in to the day and gone back to bed while Grant was in preschool. And then he was home and took an unexpected nap and awoke with a fever of 103 and I almost thought it was a mercy because for these next few hours I poured all of my worry and anxiety and sadness into caring for him in the same way that I wish I could watch over and care for my friend. I hope that although she is there lifting up her brother's family, that someone is remembering to lift her too. She needs it too.

Sorry to be sad on here today. But thank you, whoever you are out there, for listening. And if my friend is reading, (and I know she will eventually, because that's the amazing friend she has always been) I love you AMDL. More than you know.

4 comments:

Katamaran said...

Thank you for sharing, always. xoxo

Emily Foley said...

I can't stop crying. Today has been a heavy day and though I don't know your friend, I ache for her too. And for his wife and family. I'm so sorry for their loss. Why does it have to be so hard sometimes? Thank goodness for the gospel.

luvnmy10 said...

I'm sorry.

RaeLynn said...

Things like this are so hard. You are a true friend for being so affected by her loss. To "mourn with those that mourn" is a real virtue. She is lucky to have you as you are her. Here's hoping for brighter days ahead once the healing comes.